Swine Flu Shot Safety Program

WASHINGTON–In a televised appeal, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Baxter urged all Americans to vaccinate their houseplants against the H1N1 influenza, or swine flu.

Although there is currently no evidence that plants can be afflicted by the flu, Baxter warned that further mutations of the virus could have unpredictable effects.

“There is no cause for panic,” the secretary told viewers on ABC’s Good Morning America. “Production is well ahead of schedule, and there will soon be enough vaccine for every orchid, fern and bonsai tree. Out of an abundance of caution, we recommend all plants receive a flu shot as soon as possible.”

Plant inoculations will be administered by health care professionals. After October 20, each household may bring up to three plants to their nearest vaccination center for a free treatment. Additional houseplants can be vaccinated for a small fee.

Flu in your flowerpot?

According to Dr. Anthony Snyderman, plant vaccines are “completely safe and completely effective.” In his work as an expert consultant for many top pharmaceutical companies, Snyderman has become familiar with common objections to plant vaccination, which he contends are “based in ignorance and paranoia.”

“We have known how vaccines work for decades,” said Snyderman, “so testing every new variation would simply be a waste of time and resources.”

An estimated 40,000 plants have already died this year after exposure to the flu virus, according to CDC statistics. Computer models forecast the loss of as many as 1 million additional plants–unless something is done quickly.

“The plant pandemic is preventable,” explained Nancy Fauci, a former spokesman for Novartis Corporation. “Do we really want to take the risk of not vaccinating our flowers?” Strongly against the official policy of voluntary participation, she describes flu shot refusal as “irresponsible, bordering on criminal.” As for the few doctors and nurses who still refuse to immunize plants, “they have no right to practice medicine in the 21st century.”

In the interest of public safety, the CDC recommends people avoid contact with droopy or suspicious-looking plants for the duration of flu season.